Recognition

I know that I am in a mood slump by the simple fact that just about everyone I love is irritating the piss out of me. This is nothing personal. I am just feeling a bit down and perhaps a little sorry for myself. We all have our defining moments. So, to cure this fantastical little era of my life, I have decided to become hermitted in my home until further notice. A book or two should help, a half hour run every day, or maybe I'll just pick up a second job so I have no time to spend money and not allow my mood to get in the way of my feelings for these loved ones. Either way, I think it will be nice to have some much needed alone time. I'll do some nice things for myself that have been put off for way too long. Maybe a romantic bath all by my lonesome, or some mani/pedi action. Hmmm, imagine that, just thinking about my needs for once.

And to all those loved ones, I'll give you a call when I feel better.

Ahhh, I already feel better just thinking about it...

A Shield From the Outside Elements...to be continued and edited.

I am willing to admit that I have struggled with body image issues probably since I started puberty, and when boys started becoming a factor in my life. My body has gone through so many drastic changes over the past 15 years with all the diets, the weight gains, weight losses. I don't remember ever being completely satisfied with the way I look, something could always be better, smaller, bigger, more taut, less bumpy, firmer..the list goes on. So, now I am asking myself when the hell I will be satisfied. Can't I just accept what I got? I can change it, sure, but it is still my body, and I need to start loving it for what it is.

I am the smallest I've been since I was about 14 or 15. I lost 20 pounds over the last year and a half because I got sick of the yo-yo dieting and feeling like shit all the time. So, I started eating better, without confining myself to a strict diet that inevitably doesn't work and makes you gain it all back anyway. Less pressure and so much easier to manage and handle. The littlest changes make a huge difference. I also got myself into exercising, which I never really did before. I dreaded it so much, but now I look forward to my workouts because it not only helps me look better, but also promotes good mental health, boosts my energy levels and helps me sleep better at night.

So, with all of this I should be feeling pretty damn sexy and confident about my body, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, losing a lot of weight is also kind of traumatic to my self confidence, and here is why. I am used to having a little more meat than most girls. I came to accept it a while back. But now I look at myself in the mirror and see a very slender, toned body and it is foreign to me. I'm a fat girl inside a skinny boy's body. They say this happens to very obese people who turn to stomach stapling. I suppose the drastic change is a lot to handle. I know 20 pounds doesn't seem like a lot, but I was never severely large, so it is for me.

The other things about this body of mine that disappoint me. My ass is non-existent. Where the fuck did it go? It was here a second ago. I loved that I had something to hold onto in the past. How do I get this back with out discontinuing my exercise and eating routines? A friend told me squats and lunges would help right after he broke his hand smacking my bony ass. And, why is my ass down there? I remember having a bubbly shelf booty in the 8th grade, now the shelf has been flipped over. Any suggestions regarding this subject would be extremely appreciated.

There is no better day than today: A personalized 12 step program to gay.

A philosophy I would like to adopt and hold on to. I am constantly re-evaluating my situations in life and wishing they were different or better. I will occasionally make a move towards betterment, but often lose track with daily life, unforeseen circumstances, and basically addictive, bad habits. I have come to learn that behaviors are learned rather than genetically passed down. So, if I can learn these destructive behaviors, I am certainly capable of un-learning them and teaching myself healthy, life-promoting behaviors. Besides, life can't really happen unless you make it happen, and habits will remain in tact if they are fed by thoughts of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Okay, Step One in altering my destructive state of mind and learning how to be me comfortably: Recognize where the problem lies, what the behaviors and flaws that promote unhealthy situations are, and how they came to be. Truth is, I mostly know the answers to all these questions. I find myself talking about them with my deceased parents from time to time. Trying to understand their significance, and begging for an answer from two people who left me stranded to find out life's lessons all by myself. I mean, they are the ones who taught me these behaviors, shouldn't they be accountable for producing such a neurotic individual?

No, I am a fucking adult. I am the only one who can make any difference in this life of mine. And so, I understand where all this stems from, where the problems lie, and the behaviors that have hurt myself and others. Time to grow a pair and stop blaming the people that taught me, and finally realize that I, and I alone, am the only person who can do anything about it.

Step Two: Know my boundaries and know who will support me in my endeavor to a better life, but continue to understand that I am alone, and it would be unfair to myself and anyone else to rely on others to fix anything for me. Also, I think it is important to recognize the toxic relationships, or those that are your friends because they also engage in self-destructive behavior, and will encourage you to do so too because they are also scared of failing alone. So, I will take what I can get individually from each person. Everyone that I love has something to offer, as long as I can learn to take the right amount, and without over-indulging in their generosity. I realize that I demand a lot emotionally and mentally. I would like to turn those demands into either preferences or lose some all together.

Step Three: I have a serious issue with impulse control. I often want to be gratified immediately and ultimately end up feeling completely unsatisfied because I just couldn't wait to get what I demanded. So, the first step in step three is to start an impulse control workbook that my incredibly wise and spiritual psych professor gave me. (I know, I know, a workbook sounds kind of lame, but if it helps, why judge?) I no longer want to shit things out of my mouth that I don't mean and can't take back. I don't want to go out and drink a gallon of hooch because it immediately makes me feel better and helps me forget the pain. I can't imagine the things I've said and done to people because of this. Good news is, I already tried and succeeded. Another thing I learned in psych class that applies to this, and everything else really: I will remain powerless if I allow myself to remain powerless. Well, I refuse to be powerless, and I refuse to hand over my soul to anyone or anything, and that includes me and my feelings of inadequacy.

Step Four: Allow myself some time to grieve over the things I've lost or things I've failed at. To be more specific, allow myself to be sad and be able to express it in a constructive way rather than lashing out. This really goes along with impulse control too. I feel like total shit right now. I am hurt, confused, heart broken... a big pile of mush, really. What I naturally want to do is micro-manage the situation for an instant fix to the way I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like I was just hit by a train, but I am trying my damnedest to allow myself to feel the pain, because it is valid. I also know that it won't last, because it never does. So, I will feel like a chump for as long as I need to, and hopefully take something substantial from this experience of emotional dissonance that will help me deal with future situations.

Step Five: Exercise, Exercise, Exercise. I tell ya, there is almost nothing for me that will instantly relieve anxiety, and when I work extra hard, the benefits far out-weigh all the negatives, even if only for a while. So, exactly what are the rewards for kicking ass? Well, for starters, it is a proven anxiety and stress reliever. Yes, it kind of sucks in the moment, and finding the will power to actually get up and do it can be tricky. Though, I have found that my toned body, higher levels of energy, and better sleep give me ten times more motivation than before. Let's not forget the long term benefits either. I am gonna keep this heart pumpin' for as long as I can, even if it is a little scarred. Mostly, it's the immediate effects that drive me, and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that.

Step Six: Learn to accept that I can not change people to meet my expectations and learn to love them the way they are. Just like me, people have been programmed into their behaviors, whether they be bad or good. I truly believe there is a reason behind all our actions, and the reason is probably something learned throughout life. As I stated above, I would like to unlearn some of the behaviors in myself that I view to be unhealthy, so I should not expect others to do the same unless they feel a need to alter their lives. A person can only truly change and improve their lives if they feel the dire need to. It really is the hardest thing a person can do.

Step Seven: Quit fucking smoking already!! Man, it would so nice to go for my runs and actually be able to breath after a minute. My body has the strength and endurance, but my lungs want to crap out and rebel the moment I pick up the pace. Powerlessness plays a big role in this area too. Am I really going to remain powerless over a drug that makes me smell bad, feel like shit, stains my teeth, and shortens my life span drastically? No, time to step up to the plate, sister. I am definitely not getting any younger, just ask Phillip Morris. No more patches though, because they are a joke and it seems to me that if I want to kick a habit, I shouldn't be injecting the same addictive substance into my body to do so. It's cold turkey time, folks. Watch out! Mama's gonna be a little unbearable for a while, and I won't apologize for it either.

Step Eight: Know when to walk away, or in some cases, run away.... To be continued and edited...

I'll scratch yours, if you scratch mine.

I always give more than I receive. Well, at least when friends or lovers are involved. This is to no one's fault but my own. I am a natural giver. This trait has been handed down from generation to generation in the Belcher family of women. We cook, we clean, loan money, buy presents, lend a kind shoulder, wipe the asses of our loved one's children, rush to our friend's side in times of crisis, all because this is what we learned from our mothers. Problem is, due to adaptation and new ways of life, I am (my sister too) are starting to feel unappreciated. We give because it is learned, but we start to feel like we are being taken advantage of when it is not reciprocated.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy doing things for those that I love. If I had more to give, I probably would. The part that is starting to get me down and out is the passiveness of my loves when I actually need something. It seems these people make themselves unavailable when I am in a crisis, or need to borrow a few bones. I want to say to these people, "Remember when I was an hour late for work because you were sobbing over that jerkbag boyfriend", or "remember when I loaned you some money so your account wouldn't be overdrawn", and "remember all those times I did all the dishes, not just mine, but yours too, and didn't say a word?" Again, this is my fault for doing these things out of kindness and expecting something in return.

So, how do I get to a middle ground in this situation where I can still enjoy being the giving creature that I am and not feel unappreciated or taken advantage of?

I think I now the answer, but I am going to ponder for a bit before I relay my response.

Fear of a Better Life

I have been a five day bender. Well, okay, was on a five day bender. Those that know me know that this is not entirely uncommon of me when things get shitty. This particular bender was different than most of my other benders. Generally I get trashed (just like this one), spend too much money (just like this one), partake in sexual activity and illegal drug use (not this time), and tear myself down into the lowest of possible creatures. I will go ahead and say that most of my self-destructive behaviors thrive out of fear. Yes, I am in a state of fear right now, but not as much as before. I can tell something has changed within me, perhaps a better sense of self. The fear is still there, but I feel more confident with this better sense to move forward, and cut myself some fucking slack already.

So, this is the first day of the rest of my life. I know, I know, every day is the first, but this feels different somehow. While on my most recent bender, I still had positive thoughts (that's right, I said positive) and remained committed to the thoughts I have rolling through my mind about my future and where I want to take myself. Generally on benders, I'd tell myself that I could not accomplish anything, that I'm not good enough, that I am too jaded to see any hope in myself or anyone else. What is it that broke me free of that fear? Was it my most current break up? Is it just that I am sick and tired of the consensus? Do I somehow subconsciously know that nothing will change unless I make it happen. Or am I just ready to face that evil, ever-present fear head on? The answer is yes, to all of it.

I build up such a stigma about the goals I want to reach because of my irrational fear of failure. I have self-sabotaged almost every good thing in my life. Despite the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, the events uncontrollable to me that have beaten me into the ground, I have realized that I am actually (I stopped myself from saying "kind of") an AMAZING fucking human being. My heart is bigger than the Empire State Building. The fact that I still have the capacity to love so much is a major feat.

Not different, better.

And it started about an hour and a half ago. Epiphanies should never be taken for granted. I am taking this one very seriously due to the shit I've been dealt, as well as the shit I've dealt to myself. It's really sad that I always have to hit rock bottom to make something happen. I am a doer and a maker. I pray that I remember that.

I am not weak. I have survived the death of my two parents, an abortion, heartbreak times 3, and a childhood being told that nothing will get any better unless I take these pills. I am not diseased, I am a product of my mother and father, but that does not mean I have to accept that as my destiny, or accept misery because that is what I've come to expect. I am challenging everything.

This is me. I love that about me. No one else is me. Thank the fucking stars for that too.

GREENer...

"The grass is always greener." "Searching for greener pastures." "Green with envy." What is so freaking special about this color? Who decided that green is better than anything else? Who decided that better is better? I would like to know if there is actually anything better than this, or if anything could just be different.

The moment I hear those phrases I am immediately struck with fear. And I believe they were created to instill this emotion upon people who have made it a habit to question life. All of us are constantly thinking about how much better life would be if we had more money, marriage, children, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a better body, that car, better friends, better parents, dream jobs, hotter mates, more creativity, fame, etc.... The constant disappointment over the things we don't have or what we have that could be better never really seems to pay off. Do we ever just look at the relationships and materials we have and appreciate their presence? No, something is always wrong with it, we don't accept it for what it brings into our lives, and we wish that something better would come along to replace it.

Most of us will wait around for things to get as shitty as possible until something better comes along. But here's the catch, the thing that replaces what we have never seems to be much better.

Know your limits, know your subjects, and know what you want from yourself before you demand it from another.

It's just another fucking over-indulgent blog, folks.

Here I am, in blog world. I figure I can use this forum to share some of my quirky, random thoughts. Hey, I'm not saying I have a whole lot to say on any really important matters, but, everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? I have a journal, mainly for my own sanity and so I don't drive away those nearest and dearest to me. I can say whatever I want in my journal. Here, I can tell you all about the seriously weird things that roll through my brain, without the threat of sounding insensitive and completely (please note I said completely) nuts.

I already have a few ideas. The probabilty that I will forgot those ideas is pretty high, so I may on occasion make a list at the end of my posts. Hope thats okay? This is mainly for me, correct?

Well, happy reading dudes.

Possible Future Blogs:
vages
nature/nurture
daddy issues
metro life
eff the car, get out your mofoing bike already
soft, supple skin in jeopardy