Fear of a Better Life

I have been a five day bender. Well, okay, was on a five day bender. Those that know me know that this is not entirely uncommon of me when things get shitty. This particular bender was different than most of my other benders. Generally I get trashed (just like this one), spend too much money (just like this one), partake in sexual activity and illegal drug use (not this time), and tear myself down into the lowest of possible creatures. I will go ahead and say that most of my self-destructive behaviors thrive out of fear. Yes, I am in a state of fear right now, but not as much as before. I can tell something has changed within me, perhaps a better sense of self. The fear is still there, but I feel more confident with this better sense to move forward, and cut myself some fucking slack already.

So, this is the first day of the rest of my life. I know, I know, every day is the first, but this feels different somehow. While on my most recent bender, I still had positive thoughts (that's right, I said positive) and remained committed to the thoughts I have rolling through my mind about my future and where I want to take myself. Generally on benders, I'd tell myself that I could not accomplish anything, that I'm not good enough, that I am too jaded to see any hope in myself or anyone else. What is it that broke me free of that fear? Was it my most current break up? Is it just that I am sick and tired of the consensus? Do I somehow subconsciously know that nothing will change unless I make it happen. Or am I just ready to face that evil, ever-present fear head on? The answer is yes, to all of it.

I build up such a stigma about the goals I want to reach because of my irrational fear of failure. I have self-sabotaged almost every good thing in my life. Despite the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, the events uncontrollable to me that have beaten me into the ground, I have realized that I am actually (I stopped myself from saying "kind of") an AMAZING fucking human being. My heart is bigger than the Empire State Building. The fact that I still have the capacity to love so much is a major feat.