Okay, Step One in altering my destructive state of mind and learning how to be me comfortably: Recognize where the problem lies, what the behaviors and flaws that promote unhealthy situations are, and how they came to be. Truth is, I mostly know the answers to all these questions. I find myself talking about them with my deceased parents from time to time. Trying to understand their significance, and begging for an answer from two people who left me stranded to find out life's lessons all by myself. I mean, they are the ones who taught me these behaviors, shouldn't they be accountable for producing such a neurotic individual?
No, I am a fucking adult. I am the only one who can make any difference in this life of mine. And so, I understand where all this stems from, where the problems lie, and the behaviors that have hurt myself and others. Time to grow a pair and stop blaming the people that taught me, and finally realize that I, and I alone, am the only person who can do anything about it.
Step Two: Know my boundaries and know who will support me in my endeavor to a better life, but continue to understand that I am alone, and it would be unfair to myself and anyone else to rely on others to fix anything for me. Also, I think it is important to recognize the toxic relationships, or those that are your friends because they also engage in self-destructive behavior, and will encourage you to do so too because they are also scared of failing alone. So, I will take what I can get individually from each person. Everyone that I love has something to offer, as long as I can learn to take the right amount, and without over-indulging in their generosity. I realize that I demand a lot emotionally and mentally. I would like to turn those demands into either preferences or lose some all together.
Step Three: I have a serious issue with impulse control. I often want to be gratified immediately and ultimately end up feeling completely unsatisfied because I just couldn't wait to get what I demanded. So, the first step in step three is to start an impulse control workbook that my incredibly wise and spiritual psych professor gave me. (I know, I know, a workbook sounds kind of lame, but if it helps, why judge?) I no longer want to shit things out of my mouth that I don't mean and can't take back. I don't want to go out and drink a gallon of hooch because it immediately makes me feel better and helps me forget the pain. I can't imagine the things I've said and done to people because of this. Good news is, I already tried and succeeded. Another thing I learned in psych class that applies to this, and everything else really: I will remain powerless if I allow myself to remain powerless. Well, I refuse to be powerless, and I refuse to hand over my soul to anyone or anything, and that includes me and my feelings of inadequacy.
Step Four: Allow myself some time to grieve over the things I've lost or things I've failed at. To be more specific, allow myself to be sad and be able to express it in a constructive way rather than lashing out. This really goes along with impulse control too. I feel like total shit right now. I am hurt, confused, heart broken... a big pile of mush, really. What I naturally want to do is micro-manage the situation for an instant fix to the way I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like I was just hit by a train, but I am trying my damnedest to allow myself to feel the pain, because it is valid. I also know that it won't last, because it never does. So, I will feel like a chump for as long as I need to, and hopefully take something substantial from this experience of emotional dissonance that will help me deal with future situations.
Step Five: Exercise, Exercise, Exercise. I tell ya, there is almost nothing for me that will instantly relieve anxiety, and when I work extra hard, the benefits far out-weigh all the negatives, even if only for a while. So, exactly what are the rewards for kicking ass? Well, for starters, it is a proven anxiety and stress reliever. Yes, it kind of sucks in the moment, and finding the will power to actually get up and do it can be tricky. Though, I have found that my toned body, higher levels of energy, and better sleep give me ten times more motivation than before. Let's not forget the long term benefits either. I am gonna keep this heart pumpin' for as long as I can, even if it is a little scarred. Mostly, it's the immediate effects that drive me, and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that.
Step Six: Learn to accept that I can not change people to meet my expectations and learn to love them the way they are. Just like me, people have been programmed into their behaviors, whether they be bad or good. I truly believe there is a reason behind all our actions, and the reason is probably something learned throughout life. As I stated above, I would like to unlearn some of the behaviors in myself that I view to be unhealthy, so I should not expect others to do the same unless they feel a need to alter their lives. A person can only truly change and improve their lives if they feel the dire need to. It really is the hardest thing a person can do.
Step Seven: Quit fucking smoking already!! Man, it would so nice to go for my runs and actually be able to breath after a minute. My body has the strength and endurance, but my lungs want to crap out and rebel the moment I pick up the pace. Powerlessness plays a big role in this area too. Am I really going to remain powerless over a drug that makes me smell bad, feel like shit, stains my teeth, and shortens my life span drastically? No, time to step up to the plate, sister. I am definitely not getting any younger, just ask Phillip Morris. No more patches though, because they are a joke and it seems to me that if I want to kick a habit, I shouldn't be injecting the same addictive substance into my body to do so. It's cold turkey time, folks. Watch out! Mama's gonna be a little unbearable for a while, and I won't apologize for it either.
Step Eight: Know when to walk away, or in some cases, run away.... To be continued and edited...
