A Shield From the Outside Elements...to be continued and edited.

I am willing to admit that I have struggled with body image issues probably since I started puberty, and when boys started becoming a factor in my life. My body has gone through so many drastic changes over the past 15 years with all the diets, the weight gains, weight losses. I don't remember ever being completely satisfied with the way I look, something could always be better, smaller, bigger, more taut, less bumpy, firmer..the list goes on. So, now I am asking myself when the hell I will be satisfied. Can't I just accept what I got? I can change it, sure, but it is still my body, and I need to start loving it for what it is.

I am the smallest I've been since I was about 14 or 15. I lost 20 pounds over the last year and a half because I got sick of the yo-yo dieting and feeling like shit all the time. So, I started eating better, without confining myself to a strict diet that inevitably doesn't work and makes you gain it all back anyway. Less pressure and so much easier to manage and handle. The littlest changes make a huge difference. I also got myself into exercising, which I never really did before. I dreaded it so much, but now I look forward to my workouts because it not only helps me look better, but also promotes good mental health, boosts my energy levels and helps me sleep better at night.

So, with all of this I should be feeling pretty damn sexy and confident about my body, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, losing a lot of weight is also kind of traumatic to my self confidence, and here is why. I am used to having a little more meat than most girls. I came to accept it a while back. But now I look at myself in the mirror and see a very slender, toned body and it is foreign to me. I'm a fat girl inside a skinny boy's body. They say this happens to very obese people who turn to stomach stapling. I suppose the drastic change is a lot to handle. I know 20 pounds doesn't seem like a lot, but I was never severely large, so it is for me.

The other things about this body of mine that disappoint me. My ass is non-existent. Where the fuck did it go? It was here a second ago. I loved that I had something to hold onto in the past. How do I get this back with out discontinuing my exercise and eating routines? A friend told me squats and lunges would help right after he broke his hand smacking my bony ass. And, why is my ass down there? I remember having a bubbly shelf booty in the 8th grade, now the shelf has been flipped over. Any suggestions regarding this subject would be extremely appreciated.