I'll scratch yours, if you scratch mine.

I always give more than I receive. Well, at least when friends or lovers are involved. This is to no one's fault but my own. I am a natural giver. This trait has been handed down from generation to generation in the Belcher family of women. We cook, we clean, loan money, buy presents, lend a kind shoulder, wipe the asses of our loved one's children, rush to our friend's side in times of crisis, all because this is what we learned from our mothers. Problem is, due to adaptation and new ways of life, I am (my sister too) are starting to feel unappreciated. We give because it is learned, but we start to feel like we are being taken advantage of when it is not reciprocated.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy doing things for those that I love. If I had more to give, I probably would. The part that is starting to get me down and out is the passiveness of my loves when I actually need something. It seems these people make themselves unavailable when I am in a crisis, or need to borrow a few bones. I want to say to these people, "Remember when I was an hour late for work because you were sobbing over that jerkbag boyfriend", or "remember when I loaned you some money so your account wouldn't be overdrawn", and "remember all those times I did all the dishes, not just mine, but yours too, and didn't say a word?" Again, this is my fault for doing these things out of kindness and expecting something in return.

So, how do I get to a middle ground in this situation where I can still enjoy being the giving creature that I am and not feel unappreciated or taken advantage of?

I think I now the answer, but I am going to ponder for a bit before I relay my response.

Fear of a Better Life

I have been a five day bender. Well, okay, was on a five day bender. Those that know me know that this is not entirely uncommon of me when things get shitty. This particular bender was different than most of my other benders. Generally I get trashed (just like this one), spend too much money (just like this one), partake in sexual activity and illegal drug use (not this time), and tear myself down into the lowest of possible creatures. I will go ahead and say that most of my self-destructive behaviors thrive out of fear. Yes, I am in a state of fear right now, but not as much as before. I can tell something has changed within me, perhaps a better sense of self. The fear is still there, but I feel more confident with this better sense to move forward, and cut myself some fucking slack already.

So, this is the first day of the rest of my life. I know, I know, every day is the first, but this feels different somehow. While on my most recent bender, I still had positive thoughts (that's right, I said positive) and remained committed to the thoughts I have rolling through my mind about my future and where I want to take myself. Generally on benders, I'd tell myself that I could not accomplish anything, that I'm not good enough, that I am too jaded to see any hope in myself or anyone else. What is it that broke me free of that fear? Was it my most current break up? Is it just that I am sick and tired of the consensus? Do I somehow subconsciously know that nothing will change unless I make it happen. Or am I just ready to face that evil, ever-present fear head on? The answer is yes, to all of it.

I build up such a stigma about the goals I want to reach because of my irrational fear of failure. I have self-sabotaged almost every good thing in my life. Despite the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, the events uncontrollable to me that have beaten me into the ground, I have realized that I am actually (I stopped myself from saying "kind of") an AMAZING fucking human being. My heart is bigger than the Empire State Building. The fact that I still have the capacity to love so much is a major feat.