I'll scratch yours, if you scratch mine.

I always give more than I receive. Well, at least when friends or lovers are involved. This is to no one's fault but my own. I am a natural giver. This trait has been handed down from generation to generation in the Belcher family of women. We cook, we clean, loan money, buy presents, lend a kind shoulder, wipe the asses of our loved one's children, rush to our friend's side in times of crisis, all because this is what we learned from our mothers. Problem is, due to adaptation and new ways of life, I am (my sister too) are starting to feel unappreciated. We give because it is learned, but we start to feel like we are being taken advantage of when it is not reciprocated.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy doing things for those that I love. If I had more to give, I probably would. The part that is starting to get me down and out is the passiveness of my loves when I actually need something. It seems these people make themselves unavailable when I am in a crisis, or need to borrow a few bones. I want to say to these people, "Remember when I was an hour late for work because you were sobbing over that jerkbag boyfriend", or "remember when I loaned you some money so your account wouldn't be overdrawn", and "remember all those times I did all the dishes, not just mine, but yours too, and didn't say a word?" Again, this is my fault for doing these things out of kindness and expecting something in return.

So, how do I get to a middle ground in this situation where I can still enjoy being the giving creature that I am and not feel unappreciated or taken advantage of?

I think I now the answer, but I am going to ponder for a bit before I relay my response.

Fear of a Better Life

I have been a five day bender. Well, okay, was on a five day bender. Those that know me know that this is not entirely uncommon of me when things get shitty. This particular bender was different than most of my other benders. Generally I get trashed (just like this one), spend too much money (just like this one), partake in sexual activity and illegal drug use (not this time), and tear myself down into the lowest of possible creatures. I will go ahead and say that most of my self-destructive behaviors thrive out of fear. Yes, I am in a state of fear right now, but not as much as before. I can tell something has changed within me, perhaps a better sense of self. The fear is still there, but I feel more confident with this better sense to move forward, and cut myself some fucking slack already.

So, this is the first day of the rest of my life. I know, I know, every day is the first, but this feels different somehow. While on my most recent bender, I still had positive thoughts (that's right, I said positive) and remained committed to the thoughts I have rolling through my mind about my future and where I want to take myself. Generally on benders, I'd tell myself that I could not accomplish anything, that I'm not good enough, that I am too jaded to see any hope in myself or anyone else. What is it that broke me free of that fear? Was it my most current break up? Is it just that I am sick and tired of the consensus? Do I somehow subconsciously know that nothing will change unless I make it happen. Or am I just ready to face that evil, ever-present fear head on? The answer is yes, to all of it.

I build up such a stigma about the goals I want to reach because of my irrational fear of failure. I have self-sabotaged almost every good thing in my life. Despite the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, the events uncontrollable to me that have beaten me into the ground, I have realized that I am actually (I stopped myself from saying "kind of") an AMAZING fucking human being. My heart is bigger than the Empire State Building. The fact that I still have the capacity to love so much is a major feat.

Not different, better.

And it started about an hour and a half ago. Epiphanies should never be taken for granted. I am taking this one very seriously due to the shit I've been dealt, as well as the shit I've dealt to myself. It's really sad that I always have to hit rock bottom to make something happen. I am a doer and a maker. I pray that I remember that.

I am not weak. I have survived the death of my two parents, an abortion, heartbreak times 3, and a childhood being told that nothing will get any better unless I take these pills. I am not diseased, I am a product of my mother and father, but that does not mean I have to accept that as my destiny, or accept misery because that is what I've come to expect. I am challenging everything.

This is me. I love that about me. No one else is me. Thank the fucking stars for that too.

GREENer...

"The grass is always greener." "Searching for greener pastures." "Green with envy." What is so freaking special about this color? Who decided that green is better than anything else? Who decided that better is better? I would like to know if there is actually anything better than this, or if anything could just be different.

The moment I hear those phrases I am immediately struck with fear. And I believe they were created to instill this emotion upon people who have made it a habit to question life. All of us are constantly thinking about how much better life would be if we had more money, marriage, children, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a better body, that car, better friends, better parents, dream jobs, hotter mates, more creativity, fame, etc.... The constant disappointment over the things we don't have or what we have that could be better never really seems to pay off. Do we ever just look at the relationships and materials we have and appreciate their presence? No, something is always wrong with it, we don't accept it for what it brings into our lives, and we wish that something better would come along to replace it.

Most of us will wait around for things to get as shitty as possible until something better comes along. But here's the catch, the thing that replaces what we have never seems to be much better.

Know your limits, know your subjects, and know what you want from yourself before you demand it from another.

It's just another fucking over-indulgent blog, folks.

Here I am, in blog world. I figure I can use this forum to share some of my quirky, random thoughts. Hey, I'm not saying I have a whole lot to say on any really important matters, but, everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? I have a journal, mainly for my own sanity and so I don't drive away those nearest and dearest to me. I can say whatever I want in my journal. Here, I can tell you all about the seriously weird things that roll through my brain, without the threat of sounding insensitive and completely (please note I said completely) nuts.

I already have a few ideas. The probabilty that I will forgot those ideas is pretty high, so I may on occasion make a list at the end of my posts. Hope thats okay? This is mainly for me, correct?

Well, happy reading dudes.

Possible Future Blogs:
vages
nature/nurture
daddy issues
metro life
eff the car, get out your mofoing bike already
soft, supple skin in jeopardy